Are you unsure of yourself and can’t find your way out? You are not alone; I have been there too.

One month after obtaining my Master of Social Work degree, I decided to move from the Bay Area to San Diego, California. 

In hindsight I was trying to outrun my deep dissatfication with myself and my body. I was excited and naïve. I believed this was my chance to start over; to recreate my identity. I quickly learned my external reality may have change, but the hatred I felt for myself and my body quickly became unbearable. 

I decided to connect with a therapist to address my increase in mental health distress and imposter syndrome connected to my career as a social worker. At this point I had no interested in becoming a therapist. Which feels laughable to me now. I can't picture myself doing anything else beside therapy and coaching. Sometimes it's only in looking back at the bread crumbs can we start to see the bigger picture. 

I went into social work to support folks, like me, who experienced all forms of abandonment, trauma, and substance abuse. I believe I had overcome the trauma from my past. I worked with a therapist for over 4 years prior, attended 12-steps meeting and had over 10 years of sobriety. However, I couldn't shake this discontent with my body and the behaviors associated with trying to manipulate the size and shape of it. 

Had I developed a new addiction? Had restricting become a new form of control?  Was I trying to control the way I felt on the inside by manipulating what I perceived as disgusting on the outside?

Due to my deep body dissatfication I unknowingly developed an eating disorder in an attempt to “fix” my body. How did I not see it? I mean I had gone through graduate school studying various types of mental health disorders. 

I was obsess with my weight, I had food rules that wouldn't allow me to eat on a regular basis, I participate in behaviors to eliminate the food I did eat, and I hated, I mean friousluly hated my body. But I didn't look like someone with an eating disorder. That is what I told myself, what I heard from my medical doctors and even my friends. I am not "underweight" and my BMI, per medical physicians, would categorize me as overweight. 

I would later come to understand marginalized populations who struggle with disordered eating/eating disorders are often underdiagnosed, if at all. We don't fit into the "standards" of what the medical field defines as someone with an eating disorder. This is often due to fatphobic ideologies, white supremacy and/or colonized thinking. 

My road to recovery has not be an easy one. I saw my therapist and dietitian 1x/week and I worked with them for roughly 3 years. I eventually moved back to the Bay Area, relapsed worst than before and went back to my therapist and dietitian. 

I had hit rock bottom. Until this point I never really surrender to the reality that my behaviors and thought patterns were making my life unmanageable. 

The gift of desperation brought me back to my desire of living a full, embodied, and aligned life. I followed the my therapist and dietitian interventions to the best of my ability. Not perfectly, but I kept coming back to my WHY. 

I did not want to be controlled by my addiction to thinness. I did not want to think of myself as a number on the scale. I wanted to fall back in love with my body. Like when I was a kid. When I felt safe and happy in my own skin. 

I was beginning to understand, if I wanted to create and live my purpose I would have to include my body within that equation. Treating the behaviors associated with an eating disorder is one of the first steps back to whole being wellness. 

Learning to love and accept my body was the last step and most important in my recovery process. It is the reason I continue to treat her (my body) with the up most respect and grace. At times I feel the pressure from the outside world to view my body differently. It is hard not to with all the negative messaging and conditioning we received from the media, our friends, family, doctors, ect. What I know today; my body DOES have value regardless of her shape or size. 

Where Am I today? 

I love my body. I really, really love her! I buy her clothes that fit her current size and let go ill fitting clothes she wore when unwell. I speak to her daily and ask for her guidance. I honor the wisdom she shares with me on a continual basis. With her guidance I moved through the deep trauma stored within my body. Within the doctor’s office, I am unattached to the number on the scale because I know and believe I am more than a number on a scale. I am an amazing human being. Who is in love with and grateful for the connection I have with my body. 

Without her I would not be able to tap into the power of my ancestors, my heart space, regulatory systems, spirit, and my deepest desires. To name a few of her skills. She is my tuning fork for my intuition and my connection to the divine presence in all things. She is what connects me to my clients and gives me insight regarding the best course of action. Some have even called me the Body Whisper. 

Yes, I have the knowledge to help folks come back to themselves and into their bodies, but I have also lived what I teach others to do. I know it is possible to recover because I have. I have lived it and embodied the wisdom of my experiences.

I would be honor to walk with you as you embody your own relationship to the sacred and deep body intelligence within you. I know the road to recovery is not always an easy one, but it is worth it.

Are you ready to dive with me into the deep waters of your subconscious so you can liberate your mind, BODY and spirit?